“She’s cute,” Leo murmurs and runs his hand down Liv’s plump cheek. The baby immediately grabs his finger and sticks it in her mouth.
“Here, take her and I’ll get her some juice.”
“Whoa, take her?” he takes a step back, his eyes suddenly scared. He’s hilarious.
“She’s a baby, Leo, not a weapon of mass destruction.” I thrust the baby in his hands, pull Livie’s sippy cup from her bag and head to the kitchen.
“Can I put her on the floor with her toys?” he calls out to me.
“Sure, just put a blanket down for her to crawl on.”
Damn, he’s funny.
“I think the baby is about to kill your cat,” Leo says dryly and I hurry back to the living room while capping the cup to find Livie with a handful of the cat’s fur, trying to put it in her mouth.
“Or eat her,” I agree and laugh as Leo tries to untangle Liv’s tiny, and surprisingly strong, grasp from my poor cat.
We sit with her and entertain her with her toys for a while, chuckling at how cute she is.
“This isn’t too hard,” I tell him and he grins at me.
“Nah, not too hard.” He runs his hand over her soft brown hair and then frowns. “Wait, do you smell that?”
“No,” I stop what I’m doing and sniff. “What is it?”
Leo scowls and glances down at Liv, who’s grinning widely at him, slobber dripping down her cute little chin. “I think she shit herself.”
“Stop swearing in front of her.”
“Me swearing is not our biggest problem right now.”
We stare at each other for a minute and then he digs around in the diaper bag, pulls out a diaper and wipes and hands them to me. “Here.”
“Why do I have to do it?” I ask.
“Because you’re her aunt. Duh.”
“I don’t do poop.” I scowl down at the little girl, like she’s done this to me on purpose.
“What do you normally do when this happens and you’re watching her?”
“My mom changes her.”
“Haven’t you watched her alone before?” Now he’s laughing, Liv is laughing with him, enjoying the joke, and I’m scowling at both of them.
“Dear God, what did they feed her?” I hold my hand over my nose. “Don’t you know how?”
“She’s a girl. I’m not going to jail.”
“Don’t be an idiot. You won’t go to jail for changing her diaper. You might go to jail for not changing her diaper.”
“Come on, Auntie Sammie,” he winks charmingly, “You got this.”
“Leo is going to lose his manhood if he ever calls me Sammie again,” I tell Liv and she giggles. Then, suddenly, it’s as if she realizes what she’s sitting in, her pretty face crumbles and she starts to cry.
“Shit, we need to change her.”
“I’m calling Meg,” Leo pulls his phone out and dials Meg’s number.
“She’s a nurse. She deals with crap all the time. Hey, I’m at Sam’s. There’s an emergency, and I need you to come here asap. Uh huh. No, no ambulance, just need your help. Okay thanks.” He hangs up and stuffs the phone back in his pocket. “She’ll be right here.”
“You totally just lied to her.”
“She’ll be here in ten.”
It’s the longest damn ten minutes of my life.
Finally, the doorbell rings. The only reason I hear it is because Liv has taken a moment to take a breath, thus giving us zero point three seconds of silence.
“Thank God,” Leo pulls her into the apartment and she scowls when she sees the baby in my arms.
“What’s wrong with her?” she asks.
“She has a shitty diaper,” Leo tells her.
“So change her.”
“Leo’s afraid he’ll be considered a pedophile and I don’t know how.”
Meg takes the baby from my arms and stares back and forth at us, her face incredulous. “Are you fucking kidding me? You said it was an emergency. I worked all night last night, and you woke me up for this?”
“Don’t you smell that? It is an emergency.”
“Jesus, you two are worthless,” Meg finds the diaper and wipes, lays the baby on the floor on her blanket, and gets to work. “This is nothing. At least she didn’t blow out the diaper.”
“What does that mean?” I ask, not sure that I really want to know.
“When the poop goes up their back, into their hair, all over the place. Now that’s gross.”
“Isn’t the point of a diaper to catch the poop?” Leo asks, his hands on his hips, frowning at Meg. “I mean, if they don’t do their job, what’s the point?”
Meg laughs and snaps the baby’s jumper back in place, all clean and happy. “There, all done.”
Liv smiles and leans her head on Meg’s shoulder when Meg lifts her off the floor.
“This is our secret,” I tell her. “Luke will never let me live it down if he finds out that I couldn’t change her diaper.”
“It’s fine,” Meg waves me off and hands me the baby. “Have you fed her?”
And, as if on cue, Liv burps, spitting up whatever she had for lunch.
“I’m so not having kids,” I mutter.